Solomon's Greatest Judgment
by Kazakh Doom
Summary: Sometime in the night, a woman kidnaps Deadpool, and replaces him with Doop. As leader of the X-Force, Sunspot must make a certain legendary Israeli monarch's most famous decision.
1. Chapter 1

For once, Wade and Vanessa sleep in the same bed. They don't fuck. They don't play any silly lover's games. They sleep.

Frankly, this is the least active I've ever seen Wade. It's crazy; he never stays asleep this long...

Sadly, he won't be making any fourth wall breaks or elaborate monologues in this chapter. But if you stick around, he just MIGHT make a few in the one that follows...

As Wade sleeps, he embraces Vanessa, from behind. They're both in the nude. Alas, the bedding conceals their NSFWs. It's just as well; rumor has it that Morena Baccarin is a proud member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

For some strange reason, the door's been left unlocked tonight. As ferocious as Deadpool can be, one would expect a lifelong X-Force member to lock his doors at night...

Tonight, however, the door opens. Even stranger, it doesn't make noise as its opened or closed.

Meet Domino. Tonight, she's here to sate a crush.

With one blue eye and one brown eye, she looks around the house. Not a mouse stirs. Good; Domino doesn't have to cause it bad luck. Hastily, she sneaks into the master bedroom.

She sticks a needle into Wade, and inoculates him. She stands back, and waits...

Wade rolls over on his back, away from Vanessa. Vanessa mumbles, and brushes her bare arm off.

Somehow, Domino drags Wade out of bed. On the floor, she's spread a bag. She zips it up, with Wade in it. Lucky her, Wade now weighs less than he ever has...and it's been a while since the cancer's contracted him.

Moments later, Domino comes back in with another bag. It's smaller, and apparently rounder. She leaves it in bed, with Vanessa. Promptly, she gives her the slip, and vanishes.

Dawn rises. The birds sing.

Slowly, Vanessa wakes. She moans happily, and with her bare arm, reaches for Wade...

She grasps something...but it's not Wade. It's...something in a bag. Confused, she rubs her eyes, rolls over, and opens the bag.

Doop's inside. The giant chloroplast gapes at her, with huge eyes.

Vanessa takes one look at him, and screams at the top of her lungs. Using his powers, Doop blocks out the harmful parts of her screams...as earless as he seems to be...

O, bothers. And I thought Morena Baccarin was impossible to scare...


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome to the X-Bunker. For miles around, the Nebraskan wild surrounds it. Cabela's HQ is probably nearby... But for now, let's focus in on the hearing that's about to take place...

Deadpool, Domino, and Copycat have all received court summonses. Rather, though, this is more of a court-martial. In most countries' militaries, it's not common for a court-martial to host a hearing. But this is the X-Force; they're as flexible as they have to be.

All rise, as Sunspot enters the courtroom. He'll be presiding.

He takes his seat, on the throne. Everyone else sits...except for Deadpool, Copycat, and Domino.

The hearing is attended by many X-Force members; Warpath, Shatterstar, Feral, Bedlam, Zeitgeist, Black Tom Cassidy, Cable, Boom-Boom, Caliban, Moonstar, Spike, Wolfsbane, X-23, Archangel, Fantomex, Psylocke, and Deathlok, to name a few.

There's an empty chair, where Vanisher SHOULD be. Deadpool's still convinced he's not really there...

"Hey look," Deadpool bursts out, "it's Pidgeon Wings!" He waves at Archangel. "Hey, putz! Care to catch a muffin crumb for us, in midair?"

Sunspot lights himself up, like a star, hurting everyone's eyes. "Order in the court! I know how talkative you can be, Deadpool, but you will NOT waylay this hearing with your mouth!"

Deadpool sighs, and looks down. "Fuck. The X-Force's courts are worse than civilian ones."

"So," Sunspot clears his throat. "Let's get started. Let's hear the prosecution's side of this."

Cable steps forth. He plays an audio device on his prosthetic arm.

"THE PROSECUTION IS AS FOLLOWS," it says, in a robotic voice. "TWO WOMEN IN THE X-FORCE'S RANKS, DOMINO AND COPYCAT, HAVE A CLAIM, THEY SAY, TO THE HEART OF DEADPOOL. ONE NIGHT, DEADPOOL SLEPT WITH DOMINO. COPYCAT BROKE IN, POSING AS THE MAID, KIDNAPPED DEADPOOL, AND LEFT DOOP IN BED WITH DOMINO AS A PATSY. NIGHTS LATER, DOMINO PLAYED THE SAME TRICK ON COPYCAT. SHE HIJACKED COPYCAT'S AND DEADPOOL'S LUCK, AND KIDNAPPED DEADPOOL, TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HOW MUCH LIGHTER HE WAS THAT NIGHT, IN CONTRAST TO MOST NIGHTS. THIS EXCHANGE HAS REPEATED ITSELF MULTIPLE TIMES. BOTH WOMEN WISH FOR IT TO BE SETTLED. DEADPOOL COULD CARE LESS."

Deadpool laughs. "THAT is SUCH an awesome gadget! If I could expect my arm to stay off if I cut it off, I SO gotta get me one of those."

Cable grins. "Sorry Deadpool. The man who gave me this arm isn't going to be born for another two decades."

"So," Sunspot smiles, "both women have a claim to Deadpool's heart. And I suppose their claims are equally worth dying for?"

"I caught his eye first," Copycat insists. "Wade's mine! Anyone who wants him can't have him!"

"I know Wade," Domino insists. "He's no conservative! When he saw my ass, and my arms, and my eyes, and the way I wear my hair, he was a goner. His ass belongs to me, as does his heart! I'll fight to get him back, if I have to! I'll hijack the bad luck of this whole damn court!"

All around, a lot of X-Force mutants are tempted to power up. But they hesitate, out of fear that Domino will dupe them into hurting themselves.

"Wade and I have history," Copycat insists. "Fuck! I knew him before the cancer took him! I knew him before he was fucking Deadpool!"

"Me and Wade have a common talent," Domino insists. "We understand each other! I've been a mutant longer! Copycat's new at it!"

"I cook better than she does," Copycat insists. "I make his bed the way he likes!"

"I've risked my life for this man," Domino insists. "And I've risked my ass for him a HELL of a lot more often than Bimbo Carlyle here has even gotten half a chance to!"

With that, a catfight ensues in the court. The other X-Force members stand, and cheer both women on.

Deadpool laughs out loud. "O boy! A catfight! This is even better than Colossus vs. Juggernaut in Deadpool 2! And it's not even CGI! It's just CGI for all the parts Vanessa shapeshifts into various kick-ass Marvel females! But at least the CGI isn't necessary to simulate their powers, since Vanessa can't match the powers of who she turns into!"

Sunspot blazes star fire, and settles the catfight down. "ORDER IN THE COURT," he shouts. "Now that the problem's been properly presented...more or less... I trust that a solution is clear?"

Moonstar stands, and stands between Deadpool and Sunspot. Everyone expects her to generate one of her mystifying illusions...

"The solution is simple," she says. "And not to mention classic. As a matter of fact, King Solomon did this once. Therefore, we hereby bring forth," she turns towards a vomitorium, far away, in the wall, "the Juggernaut!"

All around, everyone clears a path. The portcullis in the vomitorium opens...

Juggernaut steps through, dressed to run and kill. As usual, his arms are big, and the metal helmet around his head is anti-psionic. Lucky for Juggernaut, his brother isn't here to probe his mind...and neither is Jean Grey or any of her redheaded psionic descendants/multiverse doppelgangers. Doop is, though. Thankfully, though, Doop knows better than to probe the mind of Juggernaut.

Psylocke is, too. Even so, Juggernaut is far from Psylocke's type...

As much as Domino and Copycat hate to, they leave Juggernaut to Deadpool. Deadpool sings praises to Juggernaut, as the latter angrily charges Deadpool, slows, grabs Deadpool in one hand, and lifts him to the level of the face slit in his helmet.

"I'm gonna rip you in two now," he insists.

"NO," Copycat screams.

Too late; Juggernaut takes Deadpool in both hands; thorax in one, abdomen in the other. From hip to hip, Juggernaut rips him in two. He tosses Deadpool's upper half to Copycat, and his legged half to Domino.

Domino has a gag reflex, and throws Deadpool's legs away. The legs fall towards Moonstar. O, how Moonstar would love to caress Deadpool's fresh groin with her wild Native American hair...

Alas, Psylocke uses her powers to levitate Deadpool's legs towards her. Mirage sighs, and causes Psylocke to hallucinate a huge finger flipping the bird. Psylocke only grins, and uses her mind powers to block out the bird.

Alas, Feral and Wolfsbane both intervene, intercept the legs in midair, and cannibalize them, while in their respective animal forms. Interesting; Feral and Wolfsbane usually fight, whenever Wolfsbane's a wolf...

"Oh Wade," Vanessa laments, caressing Wade's upper half, as the underside of it struggles to regenerate itself. "I'm so sorry about this. I didn't mean for Domino to take it this far."

Wade scoffs. "She's taken me farther; believe me. Many times, I've been in this sitch. She's been my ambulance." He looks around. "Although I admit that's the first time Juggernaut's ever thrown her my legs."

At Deadpool's legs, where Wolfsbane and Feral feast, Boom-Boom attends to them, and roasts the meat they feast on, with a few balls of energy from her hands. X-23 joins them, flashes her adamantium claws, and dices up the meat, leaving two piles for both beasts; each one consisting of one roasted leg each.

"Still can't believe Wolfsbane and Feral are eating my legs," Wade admits. "Feral co-founded this team, in the comics!"

"Unless someone has an objection," Sunspot raises his gavel, "this hearing is concluded." He pounds the gavel.

All around, the crowd thins. Soon, it's just Vanessa and Wade, all alone in the courtroom's fading light.

Vanessa caresses Wade's growing baby legs, and dick. She giggles.

Wade sighs. "I was kind of glad you were dead, when I went through this in _Deadpool 2_," he confesses. "I will NEVER go far as Catherine Tramell in _Basic Instinct_. Not as a mutant, at least..."

"You'll always be my baby, Wade. We may get sick or die. But in the long term, our hearts are inseparable."

High on a wall, a painting of King Solomon hangs. He'd be proud of what happened today, if only he was still alive...


End file.
